ABC - The most difficult decision I've ever made

I am awake at 1:30am listening to a hefty-wind blowing at my tent and I can’t get back to sleep as I know that I now need to come to terms with something I’ve known for the past 24 hours – in spite of my determination, there is no way that I will be able to go higher up the mountain due to the problems with my ribs and my current health.

I feel like absolute shit and my right rib throbs every time I move my arm or cough. My left rib is still really tender and my intercostal muscles feel as though they’re tied in knots. I tried to put on my Millet boots earlier and could not even pull them on without feeling like an axe was piercing my and hacking away chest and any sudden movements sends me into a fit of coughing and wheezing. If this is already an issue now, what will happen higher up on the mountain when I’m climbing or abseiling back down? I know that I would never be able to lift myself and would certainly struggle pulling my weight up a jumar.

What if another climber or myself get into trouble and I can’t get them out because I don’t have the strength? I know that my determination (and stubbornness) will get me up the North Col and up to 7800m (at least) but can I confidently say that will I be able to get back down safely and unsupported? In my current state, unfortunately, the answer is no. And the one thing that I promised myself (and my family!) was that I would not go up if I knew that things were not 100%.

I’ve asked myself if I’m over reacting or trying to over-manage the risks but I feel like I’ve examined it from every angle and keep coming to the same conclusion. It isn’t sensible for me to go up. Am I content with reaching 7300m? I guess so – I know in my heart that I can go higher but that altitude (and the fact that we spent 3 nights / 4 days there) is still something to be proud of. Plus, as the Sherpas always say, “The Mountain will always be there”.

I don’t want to leave the team and am desperate to stay and celebrate everyones success - doing what I can to help out as and where I can. I’ve often joked that I’d make tea and scones at high camp on Summit Day and take care of the boys but this is perhaps the only (and best!) way that I can contribute to the success of the team – but I’ll do it from ABC instead.

This is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. But I know it’s the right one.